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What drives one to their grave?
Monday, May 18, 2009
My dad just got home. It's almost 9:30 pm.
He asked me,"Tmr,you're starting work right? Go and sleep early.You have to wake up in the morning.It's your first day at work."
Well,not only did he said that.My mom also did.So did my bf.
Yes,I am starting the life of an adult.New life,new job,new prospect and many more responsibilities which I hope I can fulfill. I have no confidence in myself. I really wish I did.
Something happened this evening.Just 3hours back.Btwn me and beloved.It was a major crisis,or shall I say,the worst of all mayhems we ever encountered since we have been together. As such my title says,what really does drive someone to their grave? More likely,drives papa to his not even ready grave?
Thus I got my answer. Me. Usually couples will only realise each other's mistakes when they go through a major problem. As cliche as it does sound,yes,I did today.I learnt a huge mistake.Up till now,I am guilty of what happened.
Going through this makes me think how foolish I was. What was I thinking? I started it. But I preferred to end it that way. That really bad and horrible way. For the first time,I saw how much it hurt him. How much I have created till it hurts so bad,yet he remains such a courageous man and go through it without saying much.
For the first time in my life,I realised what I did to 2 other people in the past.When He said that,my heart sank with guilt.Yes,I am guilty.Yes,I destroyed the life of others,treating them with the lack of respect that they deserve and I did it to him,the one person who had done so much for me.
I truly deserve the silent treatment,the harsh words,the negative look ayg.I really do. It seems that,life just doesnt revolve around me,I have him,my parents,my sibs and my good friends.I have not done much for them,I just want things for myself.
For that,I am sorry.
Pa,I may have said it too many times.I have cried too hard,said too little but hurt you so much.I'm sorry. For the first time in my life,I felt so empty.I don't know what it would mean without having you by my side. Your words,your eyes,your expressions flashes in my mind. It will haunt me forever.It is the true learning point in life when I realise how much you mean to me.
When things happen,only do I realise how important people are to me.I realise life is too short for my childish acts,my selfish acts more likely.I've made you suffer so much,just so I can be happy.
I should be a better person.I need to do some soul searching for the better of people around me.
Tomorrow would be a new day.But what happened,would really be etched in my mind for a long time.
I love you,my Md Shah Khairul.Labels: i would never forget this day
9:29 pm
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